This is what really matters if you want better relationships
Knowing why you are the way you are will only take you so far. There is something else you need.
I started doing therapy a long time ago.
It helped me realize why I was the way I was. I came to understand how losing my father at a young age impacted me, how my trauma affected me, and how my history influenced who I became. I processed my anger, gave myself time to grieve, and had more compassion for myself. A lot of healing happened.
However, not much changed when it came to dating and relationships.
I was still repeating the same painful patterns. At the time, I didn’t know there was anything else to know. I didn’t know there was more I could do and needed to do.
But everything changed when I found Gestalt Therapy.
Gestalt Therapy is a relational approach to healing and a philosophy for living. It is relational, experiential, and humanistic. Through training in Gestalt Therapy and working with a Gestalt Therapist, I finally gained what I had been missing all along: relational skills.
Gestalt was the bridge I needed to go from knowing myself to changing my relationship with myself, how I engaged in the world, and my relationships with others.
Just because you know why you are the way you are, doesn’t mean you have new skills to engage with yourself and others in a new way.
Until you learn new skills, you’ll continue repeating the same patterns no matter how clear you get on why you developed them in the first place.
That’s why I always discuss relational skills. For me (and countless others), they were life-changing and, in some ways, life-saving.
Once you learn the relational skills you need, you’ll be empowered with the knowledge and skills to have a healthier relationship with yourself, create better relationships with others, and confidently handle challenging experiences.
These are a few useful relational skills I learned from Gestalt:
Check out your stories. Everything we think about others is a story unless and until that story is confirmed. That means every time you think you know what someone is thinking, it’s a story. Whenever you think you know why someone did something, it’s a story. You can’t know what is true for others unless you ask them. Thinking you know is not relational. You’re in a relationship with others, so you need to involve them if you want to know what they think and feel.
You must first distinguish between stories and facts.
Then, check out your stories before assuming you’re right and getting reactive. Assume your story could be wrong. Then, ask the person if the story you’re making up is true, and let them tell you.
Checking out stories eliminates a HUGE percentage of hurt and conflict.
Identify projections. Most of our stories are projections. We think something about ourselves and unconsciously assume the other person is thinking it. When you think your boss thinks you’re dumb, it’s likely that you are the one thinking (or fearing) that you’re dumb. When you think your partner isn’t attracted to you, it’s likely that you are the one who doesn’t think you’re attractive.
When you think someone is judging you, ask yourself if that is a fact or if that’s a story you’re making up. If it’s a story, explore within yourself if you have that judgment about yourself. If so, it’s likely that you’re projecting your insecurities onto the other person.
This is useful because it damages relationships when we think someone is judging us. Realizing they’re not doing that, eliminates a potential relational wound.
If you assume others are thinking negatively about you and you just go with it as though it’s a fact, you confirm painful beliefs about yourself. But more often than not, no one else is thinking those painful, judgmental things about you. So it doesn’t serve you to make up stories or to let your projections go unidentified.
Own your reactions. Our reactions are our responsibility, and our triggers are ours to deal with. We can’t expect others to avoid triggering us. That’s too much to ask and impossible anyway.
If I’m having a big reaction to something you said or did, there’s a good chance you’re touching on an old wound of mine. Obviously if someone is being blatantly mean to you, that’s different. But if I’m reacting to something that wouldn’t cause that reaction in everyone, it’s probably about me and my past.
It’s on me to discover what is happening in that moment, and not blame others or expect them to walk on eggshells around me. Then, it’s on me to self-soothe and look to heal that old wound.
When we realize we’re hurt or angry because of something about our past, we don’t cause injury to a relationship. Relationships end up feeling easier, too.
Learning relational skills helped me go from having mostly painful or stressful relationships to being able to create healthy, nourishing relationships. Having friendships and being in a relationship won’t add to your life and give it more depth and meaning if you don’t learn how to navigate them skillfully. I owe a lot of my joy and wellness to Gestalt Therapy, specifically the three-year training program I completed.
These are just a few Gestalt relational skills that help to navigate relationships in a better, healthier way. If you’d like me to share more, let me know in the comments.