This is the difference between having needs and being needy.
Neediness isn't what you think it is.
Years ago, I went to Portugal for a 7-day Gestalt Therapy training. I left Sylvia Plath, my chihuahua, with my mom. I was supposed to come home on the 7th day, but I missed my flight. I called my mom to tell her I’d be a day late, and she was noticeably upset. Surprised, I asked her what was wrong. She said, “Sylvia is driving me nuts, but it’s ok I’ll be glad to see you tomorrow.”
Sylvia is a very easy dog. At 7 lbs, she’s housebroken, happy to sleep all day if given the option, and is unbelievably obedient. My mom was (and still is) obsessed with her granddog, so I couldn’t imagine why she was having such a hard time.
It turned out that no matter how much my mom played with Sylvia, it was never enough. My mom would throw a ball, Sylvia would run and get it, bring it back, and my mom would throw it again. This would go on all day and night, and my mom was exhausted.
Sylvia is a source of sunshine in my world and I can’t imagine life without her, but she is 100% needy. She’s never satisfied by any amount of attention. If you pet her and stop, she’ll whine for more. Or, she’ll use her nose to push your hand back up. She’ll play fetch with you for as long as you’re willing to play. And she gets jealous if you give your attention to anyone else. Personally, I love a needy dog. But my mother was exhausted by the end of the week. She had nothing left to give.
Of course, all my mom had to do was stop throwing the ball and Sylvia would have snuggled up next to her and gone to bed. But, the point is, this is what true neediness looks like.
True neediness is a self-protective relational pattern that pushes people away.
Neediness is the inability to feel met, filled, and satiated despite many efforts. A needy person can’t see the efforts or recognize how much they’re getting (or taking). It never feels like enough. They feel empty and unmet no matter what.
Neediness pushes others away. When your partner’s needs aren’t met no matter how hard you try, you eventually have nothing left. You don’t want to keep giving and never feeling good about it. Even my mother, who loves Sylvia with all her heart, needed a break after that experience. The same thing happens in relationships with needy people. A relationship like that isn’t sustainable.
This is a very specific (and painful) relational pattern. Neediness comes from one’s history and past trauma. The person has unhealed wounds that leave them yearning to feel full and met, loved and cared for, but they can’t. They try to get their needs met but they pull so much from others that others get pushed away. Unfortunately, needy people aren’t aware of what they're doing, so they feel abandoned when others leave. Needy people want intimacy so badly, but they’re not yet able to have it.
Neediness and having needs are like apples and oranges—related but entirely different.
In healthy relationships, having needs leads to deeper connection and closeness. We feel cared for and “met” when our needs are fulfilled. We also feel good about ourselves when we can meet our partner’s needs. Having needs isn’t a burden, it’s a joyful part of healthy relationships (of course, no one can meet our needs all the time. Disappointment is also part of healthy relationships).
Needs are also necessary for our survival. For example, we need to know when we need water. Can you imagine if you told yourself to stop being so needy every time you were thirsty? Yep, you’d eventually die.
Needs are necessary. Having needs doesn’t make you needy.
Most of the time, women who’ve been called needy aren’t needy at all.
They’ve had relationships (or situationships) with emotionally unavailable men. Those men don’t want to be bothered by women’s needs. It’s easier for them to tell women they’re needy than to own their emotional unavailability.
Calling women needy is like calling them pathetic and too much; it brings up a lot of pain and shame. Women in our society have been told not to have needs and to suck it up for ions. We already try not to have many needs, so when someone we care about calls us needy, it cuts deep. In response, we try to have even fewer needs. This is a roadmap for disempowering women, which I’m sure is not an accident #fuckthepatriatchy.
The truth is that women need to acknowledge more of their needs, not fewer. We have to stop being afraid that having needs makes us needy (or pathetic or unworthy of love, etc.). We have to stop colluding with the patriarchy and trying to be need-free, as though that’s a sign of strength. It takes bravery to honor our needs and risk getting them met. It takes strength to allow others to meet our needs and to navigate disappointment when they can’t.
When you dismiss your own needs, you give others permission to do the same.
We are relational beings who need each other. We can try not to acknowledge our needs, but they’ll still be there. So, while you may have been told your needs don’t matter and spent your entire life trying not to have too many, it’s never too late to stop doing that to yourself.
Acknowledging and valuing your own needs is a huge step toward healing. If you don’t believe your needs matter, no one else will either. You’ll never feel fulfilled in relationships if you don’t value your needs and expect others to value them too.