Communication is key to any healthy relationship, yet many couples struggle with it. One reason for this is that we’re not taught how to communicate in a relational way. We’re taught that good communication means expressing yourself honestly and clearly. When people say, “I’m a good communicator,” they usually mean they’re good at expressing themselves. And while expressing yourself is part of communicating well, it’s not all of it.
When we think about communication in a relational way, we consider the experience of both people—speaker and listener—not just the speaker. The point of communication in relationships is to understand and be understood. Speaking well doesn’t mean you’ll be understood. To be understood, you have to speak as openly and clearly as possible, and then you have to engage in dialogue to clarify whether or not you have been accurately understood. If you don’t check to see if your partner understood you accurately, you don’t know if they did or not. They may think they understood you, but they could be wrong and not realize it. If you don’t check out what was understood, you risk having a miscommunication and never knowing about it. You can’t possibly communicate well if you misunderstand each other and don’t know it. That’s why the most important part of communication is checking out how what you said landed for your partner and clarifying anything that landed sideways.
Similarly, to understand your partner, you need to be able to listen and then ask questions to clarify things. If you don’t check out whether or not what you’ve heard is accurate, you could go forward thinking your partner said something they didn’t say. That’s a dangerous path, and I see it happen on a daily basis with couples in my therapy practice. For example, you could misinterpret the way your partner said something and go forward believing they’re judging you. When we interpret, we make up stories about what our partner meant. Anything your partner has not confirmed is a story, no matter how certain you are that your story is accurate. I witness people making up stories every day in couples therapy. But when they check things out, they minimize misunderstandings, and fighting is reduced significantly.
To sum things up, the three main components of healthy, relational communication are speaking, listening, and clarifying. If you want to work on improving your communication, work on clarification first. You can try to talk better, but no matter how well you say things, you’ll still misunderstand each other if you don’t learn to clarify what you’re hearing.
I hope this helps you better understand communication and that you can begin working on a new skill to strengthen your connection! Let me know your thoughts and questions in the comments, and let’s talk about it!