Start Where You Are: The ultimate communication skill to go from conflict avoidance to communicating with confidence
This will give you the confidence you need to share how you feel effectively.
All last week I tried to write a blog post. I sat at my computer every day, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t gain any traction. I pulled out every writing “trick” I knew of. Still, I got nowhere. I couldn’t think of anything to talk about. Anything I thought of seemed like garbage. When I thought I had a good idea, I got lost, questioning how to share it. I was stuck, and each day I tried and didn’t get anywhere, I felt worse than the day before. I had a classic case of writer’s block. It was frustrating, to say the least.
By the end of the week, I threw in the towel. I accepted that I wasn’t finishing the blog on time, but I decided to keep trying for this week. All weekend, I felt just as stuck, if not more. I worried I’d never get past the block. But then, on Sunday night, I had an idea. I decided to write about not being able to write. It was the only thing on my mind that I felt passionate about, even if the passion was negative.
So, I began to write about not being able to write. Before I knew it, a blog post started to form. I felt relieved. In all my worrying and attempts to push past my writer’s block, I’d forgotten the necessity of starting where I was. I had to stop trying to come up with something to say, and instead, write what was present and true for me.
My experience with writer’s block and not knowing what or how to share my thoughts with you reminded me of how often my clients tell me they feel like they can’t talk to their partners. They don’t know what to say or how to say it. Or, sometimes, they’re afraid to share their feelings and ask for what they need. As a result, they hold it in until they blow up at their partner. But, when I show them that they can start where they are, they begin to see a path forward because they can do that. They know why they aren’t having the conversation with their partner; they know they worry about defensiveness, rejection, hurt, getting into a fight, etc. They just didn’t know that was the place to begin, and it just so happens that it’s the best place to start. It’s relieving to know you can start the conversation with what you know, and you don’t have to figure anything else out.
If you struggle to have certain conversations that you know need to happen, the solution is always to start where you are. For example, Jane (a made-up person who symbolizes many of my clients) wants to tell her partner Jimmy (also a made-up person who symbolizes many of my clients) that she’s feeling alone in planning their wedding. But she’s afraid if she brings it up, Jimmy will get defensive and she’ll feel more hurt than she already does. Jane spent months avoiding having a conversation about it. All the while, she was getting more and more resentful toward Jimmy. But Jimmy didn’t know how Jane felt or what she needed. He also didn’t know she was so affected by his defensiveness.
Jane can’t express her feelings unless she knows it's safe for her to do so. The only way for her to know that is to let Jimmy know where she is with it. In couples therapy, I’d invite Jane to say, “Jimmy, I want to talk to you about how I’ve been feeling lately, but I’m afraid you’re going to get defensive, and I’ll feel hurt and dismissed.” When Jimmy hears this, he’s calm and can address Jane’s feelings and fears. Jimmy may be sad to know Jane is afraid of his defensiveness, which gives him a chance (and motivation) to work on it. In addition, Jimmy can be aware of his reactivity now that Jane is calling attention to it, which makes it more likely that he won’t get defensive. Jimmy might respond with, “I’m sorry; I don’t want you to be afraid to talk to me. I will make sure I don’t get defensive, and I’d love to hear what’s going on.” When Jimmy responds this way, he meets Jane where she is; he meets her need to feel safe enough to talk to him. In order to address Jane’s issues with Jimmy and the wedding planning, they first have to address Jane’s feelings about talking to Jimmy. Had Jane not shared where she was with Jimmy, she’d still be trying to figure out how to tell him how she’s feeling about their wedding planning process, or she might end up blowing up at him in an uncontrolled and unproductive way.
Having that conversation before diving into what’s been bothering Jane does a few things:
It helps Jane get what she needs to feel more comfortable bringing up her issues.
It helps Jimmy be aware of the reactions he tends to have, so that he can try to react differently. It’s easier to lessen your defensiveness when you talk about how unhelpful getting defensive is right before having a hard conversation.
It provides a road forward. Jane wouldn’t magically feel comfortable talking to Jimmy about how she was feeling, and Jimmy wouldn’t realize how hurtful his defensiveness is to Jane. By acknowledging what was there for Jane that was keeping her stuck, she cleared a path for them to go down together.
If you’re feeling stuck—whether with having hard conversations, getting something done, or with creative work—start with where you are. You have needs that need to be addressed so you can move forward. You may find that a path forward comes much more easily when you stop trying to move past the stuckness and, instead, start where you are.
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