Romanticized Expectations Make Dating Harder
Let's check in on your dating and relationship mindset.
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A couple of quick things: I usually include an audio version of my posts for paid subscribers, but I lost my voice, so I won’t be able to do the audio until I get my voice back. I apologize for the delay!
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Dating is hard. But, sometimes, we make it harder than it needs to be. One way we do this is by having romanticized expectations. Romanticized expectations are unrealistic expectations of dating, where you imagine it being better and easier than it really is.
For example, if you go into first dates (or even third dates) imagining that the person could be “the one,” you’ll be disappointed almost every time. The time will come when you meet the right person (or “the one”), but most people have to kiss a lot of frogs before meeting them. If you expect anyone you vibe with via text or a phone call—or even a first date—to be right for you, you have romanticized expectations, and you’re setting yourself up for way more disappointment than is necessary.
The hard truth is that most people you go out with won’t be right for you. Finding a compatible partner isn’t that easy. Nothing worth doing ever is. Now, this isn’t all gloom and doom. The problem isn’t that most people won’t be right for you. The problem is expecting that they will be. That’s what sets you up for disappointment and self-doubt.
It’s just like going shopping for a new dress. You often have to try on a bunch of them before you find the right one. But you know you’ll have to do that, so you’re not disappointed when the first dress isn’t right (and if the dress example doesn’t fit for you, think of something else that isn’t easy to find).
Knowing that most people you go out with won’t be right for you helps you have the right mindset. Go into dating a new person with no expectations. Instead, be curious and gather data about who they are and how you feel about them. That data will inform you as to whether this person is someone to continue seeing and, eventually, if you’ve found a compatible partner. You may feel disappointed if the data shows you the person you’re seeing isn’t compatible, but you’ll know that’s a normal part of the process. You won’t think it happened because you’re unworthy of love. Removing that from your mind makes dating far easier.
Having realistic expectations is a key dating skill. It is the difference between a dating journey that demolishes your self-esteem and keeps you single, or one that is sustainable so you can keep going with self-esteem and find the right person faster.
The following is a list of realistic expectations that people often romanticize:
You don’t know if someone is right for you after a few conversations or dates. People often say, “I know right away if I like someone,” but that’s not true. You don’t know someone right away, and it’s important not to make assumptions about who that person is. Give things time so you can find out if you like them.
Having things in common is not the same as being compatible. You can both enjoy traveling, skiing, or boating, but that doesn’t mean you’re a good fit for a relationship. Compatibility involves much more than commonalities.
Love at first sight isn’t real. Chemistry feels good, but it’s about lust not love. Love takes time and effort to grow.
Everyone would love it if dating weren’t a process and relationships didn’t take time to build. But, the hard truth is, they do. It’s important to surrender to that truth so you can date skillfully in a way that leads you to the relationship you want without a ton of pain and wounding along the way.
When we identify ways we’re making dating harder, we can stop doing those things and we can make dating easier. Recognizing unrealistic or romanticized expectations is a game changer on your dating journey because it impacts how you show up and what you pay attention to. Having realistic expectations helps make disappointment much more tolerable.
Which of the above do you resonate with? What expectations do you need to let go of?
