From Self-loathing to Self-love: How I Accidentally Healed & Learned to Love Myself
And how you can too.
The most important relationship you have is with yourself. You’ve probably heard this a million times before, but if you’re anything like I was, you too may not know how to find this elusive “self-love” we hear about so often.
I spent most of my life trying to love myself and to believe I was enough. I did everything I knew of at the time to heal. I tried a variety of therapists, read all the books, and traveled far and wide to attend various healing events. You name it, I did it. It’s frustrating to do everything you know of to heal from trauma and elevate your self-esteem, only to find you’re still struggling with the pain of shame and never feeling like you’re enough. No matter how hard I tried, I was still hard on myself, perfectionistic, putting myself last, dismissing my feelings and needs, and getting into toxic relationships or situationships. I started to wonder if self-love and a healthy relationship with myself were possible for me.
I used to have a few, “if onlys”.
If-only’s are the things we tell ourselves we need to be happy and to feel better about ourselves. We think, “If only _______(insert thing we don’t have and may never have that we think is the solution to all of our problems)”. I used to think that if my if only’s came true I’d be happy, I’d love myself, and I’d finally feel like I was enough.
First, I tried to find self-worth through friendships. I thought, “If only I had more friends, then I’d be happy, I’d love myself, and I’d finally feel like I was enough”. So I made a big effort to make new friends and keep old ones. This was my social butterfly era, a far cry from the introvert that I am. It turned out that having a lot of friends gave me, well, a lot of friends. I still carried the same low self-esteem and feelings of unworthiness.
Next, I thought, if only I built a successful career. If I proved to myself and others that I was smart and capable, I would feel better about myself. I threw myself into my career. I got one certification after another. I built a successful private practice. I became known in my field as an expert. I did important, powerful work with clients. While I felt good about those things, deep down, I still didn’t feel like I was enough.
Then, I thought, if someone loved me, I’d finally love myself too. If only I was in a relationship, then I’d feel good about myself. So, I threw myself into dating. I had date after date and short-lived romance after short-lived romance. All it did was make me feel worse about myself. My low self-esteem (and lack of relational knowledge at that time) meant that I chose the worst people to date. I didn’t yet recognize the way my childhood trauma impacted who I was attracted to. I was choosing emotionally unavailable men and blaming myself when they turned out to be emotionally unavailable. At the time, I thought I was unlovable. Each rejection felt like a confirmation of my unworthiness. Dating pushed me into a darker hole than I thought possible.
Eventually, I ended up feeling depressed. Two of my if-only’s didn’t work. The things I thought would make me feel better about myself happened, and I didn’t feel better. The one if-only that hadn’t happened yet, finding love, was making me feel worse. I thought there was nothing left to try. I thought I had to accept that in fact, I wasn’t enough. And nothing could change that. After all, I’d spent years trying everything I could, from therapists to healing ceremonies and everything in between, and I still felt worthless. Now, two of my if-only’s were a let down too. I wasn’t ready to give up on the third if-only just yet, but I was not optomistic. I continued to date and explore relationships.
My heart turned to ice
Dating continued to be hard. Life in general at that time felt hard and I was losing hope that I’d find a good partner. One particularly painful night, a guy I had been seeing for a couple of months ghosted me. I didn’t see it coming. I thought this guy was different. I thought we had a strong connection. When he didn’t respond to my texts, and I knew he wasn’t going to, I hit rock bottom. I couldn’t believe it had happened again.
For whatever reason, that experience was the final straw. I’d been hurt, rejected, and disappointed by men in the dating world (and elsewhere) too many times. I felt less than and unworthy, searching for self-love for far too long. That night, I felt myself change. Something within me shifted. I felt like my heart turned to ice.
I was angry. Not the kind of anger that goes away after a good night’s sleep. This was the kind of anger that snaps you into another state of mind. It stays with you and changes how you interact with the world. This was rage and it hardened me.
I no longer knew what might help me love myself or realize my worth. I no longer cared about healing or self-love. All I knew was that I was never going to let anyone hurt me again, and I was never going to hurt myself again either.
I used to be optimistic and trusting.
There was a time when I was an optimistic person who tried to see the best in people. There was a time when I wanted to be liked. I wanted others to be likable. I trusted until there was a reason not to–and sometimes I trusted even when there was a reason not to. I was open to people. I gave people second and third chances to do better, even if there was no reason to think they wanted to do better. I was hopeful. I was naive.
But after all the years spent feeling like I wasn’t enough as I was, and then all the years trying to heal with little success, that night, that guy, being ghosted, was the night that the person I had been, died.
A new woman was born.
In her place, a new and different woman was born, and she would be damned before she felt any unnecessary pain again. I decided to build the best life I could with who I was and what I had right then. Going forward, I was going to protect myself from others who might cause me pain at all costs.
It wasn’t that I loved myself so much that I wouldn’t let anything bad happen to me. I didn’t love myself. I was just next-level angry. I was angry at life for being so hard. I was angry at myself for letting myself down. I was angry at men. I was angry at my family. I was filled with anger, not self-love.
The rage I felt hurt. Having a heart of ice doesn’t feel good. It was painful to live that way. But at the time it felt better than anything I knew previously.
There was no way I could have known it at the time, but the anger, the rage, the heart of ice, and the guardedness were the beginning of my journey to self-worth, self-love, and true joy.
To protect myself from the world I was so angry at, I decided that I would become my own best friend, biggest supporter, greatest protector, and best parent.
I started to ask myself, “If I were my best parent, what would I make my child (myself) do right now?”
First, I decided that if anyone I went out with made me the slightest bit anxious or unhappy, I would walk away immediately. No more giving the benefit of the doubt. No more second chances. And that’s what I did. I refused to feel hurt by a guy, even for a moment. If a guy said something that didn’t sit right, I walked away. If a guy didn’t pursue me and I felt anxious, I walked away. It was clear to me that I’d want my child to walk away and find someone who didn’t make her uncomfortable or anxious, even for a moment. That was not too much to expect, and I had zero hesitation in protecting myself from that hurt.
I didn’t know at the time that protecting myself this way was an act of self-love. It didn’t matter that the reason I did it was not self-love. Protecting myself like I mattered to myself was loving myself. In my mind, I did it because I couldn’t take any more pain. My value was the last thing on my mind. But it doesn’t matter why I did it. Doing it at all was a powerful way to take care of myself and that’s what you do when you love yourself. The healing I’d been wanting my whole life was finally happening.
Be your best protector and parent.
If you want to be your best parent and protector, think about how you’d protect your best friend or your child (hypothetical or not–mine was hypothetical at the time). Then give that to yourself. I assume you’d protect your child like they are the most valuable thing on earth. That’s how I want you to start protecting yourself–like you are the most valuable thing to yourself. Thinking of it this way will teach you what you need to do to love yourself. All you have to do is follow through.
Second, I decided that my gut would be my guide. If I had a gut feeling, it was proof. I didn’t wait to see what would happen. I didn’t question whether it was anxiety or the result of past trauma. I didn’t give anyone the benefit of the doubt. I believed myself, no questions asked. I trusted myself. I started to make decisions based on my feelings. I’d ignored my gut feelings in the past, over and over again, and they always turned out to be right. So, to protect myself, I decided to trust my gut and my feelings unconditionally going forward. To this day I have never regretted trusting my gut.
What began as a way to protect myself ended up being another way to love myself. If you love yourself, you validate your feelings. You trust yourself to listen to you. Committing to trusting my gut the way I did led me to create a healthier relationship with myself.
Trust your gut and let your feelings be your guide.
Think about how you’d treat your best friend if they told you they had a bad feeling about something or someone. Would you tell them to ignore it? I wouldn’t. I’d trust that if they had a feeling, there was probably a good reason to trust it. Start doing that for yourself.
Third, I made the decision that I would not be mean to myself ever again. Any time those old familiar voices would start talking, criticizing, or shaming me I’d interrupt them and say, “Nope. Not doing that.” And I’d purposely think caring, empathetic, loving thoughts to myself instead. I didn’t believe those kind thoughts at the time, but I was unwilling to treat myself badly. I started where I was, and over time, I believed myself. I didn’t know I would eventually mean it when I offered myself kindness and compassion. I just kept replacing mean thoughts with kind ones because it hurt less. It turned out that replacing my inner bully’s thoughts with kind and compassionate thoughts helped heal my relationship with myself.
Think about what you’d say to your best friend or a child when they’re down.
Even if you thought they had done something dumb, or hadn’t worked hard enough, or made a silly mistake, you’d probably be nice to them rather than kick them when they’re down. Start being nice to yourself even if you could just as easily point out all the ways you messed up. In those moments you don’t need that. You need support and care. Choose to give yourself what you need. You don’t have to believe yourself when giving support or kindness. Replacing mean thoughts with kind ones works whether you mean the thoughts or you don’t. However, if you don’t do this on purpose, it won’t happen. Loving and supportive thoughts don’t magically start happening. You have to make the choice to stop being mean to yourself and to start using kind language to yourself in your thoughts. Over time you will build a loving part of yourself that is easier to access. This part will become way stronger than the inner bully.
Fourth, I figured out who I was. I knew it was up to me to decide who I was and to define myself. No one else deserved that power. I also knew I needed to know who I was without a doubt, so I didn’t question myself when people tried to tell me who I was. I realized first that I was a good and kind person, no matter what. While I may not always be my nicest self because no one is perfect, I always strive to be kind, patient, understanding, and generous. When I’m not, I feel bad about it. Underneath, I’m a good person. Then, I decided I was a smart person. There would always be someone smarter, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t smart. Even if I did dumb things at times, I was still smart, no matter what. Those were the first two solid pieces of my sense of self and self-worth. If I failed at something, or was rejected, or felt bad for any reason, I would return to those truths. Nothing and no one could take those away from me. Those truths always mattered more to me than whatever I felt bad about.
Without a strong sense of self, you’re vulnerable to letting other people or events dictate how you feel about yourself. That’s fragile self-esteem. To have high self-esteem, you need to know who you are and be certain about it.
I started doing this to protect myself from the influence of other people and the world. I didn’t know it was one of the keys to self-esteem, but having a strong sense of self is imperative when it comes to healing and feeling worthy. Over time I continued to build a stronger and stronger sense of self, and with that, a healthier relationship with myself.
Figure out who you are without a doubt.
Don’t worry if there are times you’re not those things, because that just means you’re human. Write those things down. Then, when you’re treated poorly or someone tells you differently, look at what you wrote. Remember who you are. At the end of the day, you know who you are better than anyone else. Get clear on who you are, and don’t give anyone the power to tell you otherwise.
These practices were born out of anger and fear of being hurt, but over time, and to my surprise, they led me to profound self-love.
It doesn’t matter why you start treating yourself like you’re valuable and worthy. I started of a need to protect myself from getting hurt. Protecting yourself is something you do if you love yourself. So all of my new ways of being in the world and with myself lead me to solid self-love. I finally found it, and so can you.
Oh, and in case you were wondering, my heart of ice eventually thawed. I stopped feeling so angry. I felt confident in my ability to take care of myself, know myself, love myself, and stand by myself. I ended up feeling empowered, self-assured, and HAPPY.
It doesn’t matter what you’ve been through or where you are right now. If you want to love yourself unconditionally, these are powerful steps you can take right now.
Another 5 star article by Caitlin. Caitlin is all of us at one time or another. I am one of her newest followers and I am older than most of her followers at 62. Which proves you are never too old to learn new things about yourself. I hope Caitlin's community of followers know how lucky they are to have someone like Caitlin to lift them up when they need to be lifted up. Her queenly smile and bright eyes illuminate the world for all of us. Plus the red hair is a plus (I am also a redhead). We are rare folks.