Dear Caitlin No. 12: Why do I keep attracting men who leave me for their exes or are emotionally unavailable?
Dear Caitlin No. 12: Why do I keep attracting men who leave me for their exes or are emotionally unavailable?
I feel like I’m constantly wasting my time and emotions and the more I get broken down by these men, the more I feel like I cant take.
If you’d like to listen to this post (like a podcast), scroll down to the bottom and become a paid subscriber. You’ll access the audio version of this post as well as exclusive content.
To submit a question (anonymously) for an upcoming Dear Caitlin advice column, click here.
Dear Caitlin,
I have the worst luck with dating and the same things keep happening to me. I am very communicative and express myself clearly yet I still continually get let down. Currently, I have just been heartbroken by my best friend who toggles between me and his abusive ex. I know he cares generously about me and has mental health problems that mess up how he handles situations but it’s hurting me. I’m walking away but feeling hopeless and sad that I’ve not only lost a lover who I was extremely compatible with but also my best friend. Why do I keep attracting males who leave me for their ex or are emotionally unavailable?
I feel like I’m constantly wasting my time and emotions and the more I get broken down by these men, the more I feel like I cant take.
~Heartbroken
Dear Heartbroken,
I’m sorry you feel so devastated and defeated. Dating is hard, and sometimes we get involved with people who can’t give us what we want and deserve. While this relationship sounds difficult, it also sounds like this person met many of your needs. So, it makes sense that you’re hurting with this loss. Losing a friend and lover is painful, and you’ll need time to grieve and heal.
I have no doubt that he cares a lot about you. It sounds like you were very close. Unfortunately, caring about each other isn’t enough. If he isn’t willing to choose you and treat you the way you want to be treated, then he isn’t right for you, regardless of how great your connection is or how great the sex is. The right person for you will choose you, and dating them will feel amazing. Love shouldn’t hurt.
I’m glad you’re asking why this keeps happening and why you keep attracting males who leave you for their ex or who are emotionally unavailable. You need to identify the ways you’re co-creating the relationships you end up in. That’s where your power is. When you know your part, you can stop doing the things that lead you to the same place. You can start doing different things, which will lead you to a better relationship.
While I don’t know all of the components of your situation, it sounds like your part is letting emotionally unavailable men into your life. If this guy was going back and forth between you and his ex, that means you were letting him back into your life. You may have hoped he wouldn’t keep doing that, but doing it once needs to be enough. He showed you who he was. Your part is also not believing what he showed you. We all do this. But the more you practice believing what people show you, recognizing red flags, and making choices to protect your heart, the better dating will be. And, the sooner you will find a great partner.
Sometimes, we excuse people’s behavior because they have mental health issues or we feel bad for them (for a variety of reasons). You can feel bad for them and still be unwilling to accept poor treatment from them. When you say he has mental health issues which mess up how he handles things, it sounds like you’re excusing him. Mental health issues don’t make it ok to hurt you.
It’s important to remember that at the end of the day, you are the one responsible for taking care of yourself. Think about ways you could take better care of yourself with regard to this man. Did you need better boundaries? Did you ignore red flags? Did you give him too many chances? Your answers will help you do things differently in the future.
I get how horrible it feels when men repeatedly leave you or when you keep ending up with emotionally unavailable men. I went through a long period of dealing with the same thing when I was single. I remember feeling powerless and wondering what was wrong with me. But, I realized that nothing was wrong with me. I was attracted to emotionally unavailable men. I ignored red flags. I tried to make wrong-fit men into right-fit men. And I did the same things again and again, which obviously led to the same result again and again. When I saw that the choices I made were leading me to painful relationships and situationships, I decided to make different choices. It wasn’t easy, but it was the start of some big healing work. Initially, my goal was not to get into painful relationships that didn’t go anywhere. But I soon realized that protecting myself was healing my relationship with myself and drastically elevating my self-esteem. Best of all, I made no space for bullshit, so I didn’t deal with any bullshit. I decided not to accept less than the best, and soon after, the best came along, and I accepted him.
There’s nothing wrong with you, either. You aren’t powerless by any means. You’re not doomed to be with the wrong men. You just have to start making different choices. Start trusting your gut. Let your feelings be your guide. If you feel anxious, sad, or hurt, make choices to get out of that situation. Protect your heart at all costs, like a mother would protect her child.
If, on the other hand, you feel at ease, respected, valued, and cared for, make choices to stay in the situation. Don’t accept less than you deserve. You teach people how to treat you. Don’t teach them it’s ok to hurt you.
My best,
Caitlin
To listen to this post and receive exclusive content, consider becoming a paid subscriber.