Dear Caitlin №11: I have never experienced anything romantic & I don't have close friends.
Am I unlovable?
Hey Caitlin,
I am a 25 year old woman and I have NEVER experienced anything remotely romantic. In fact I don't even have close friends. I feel like an NPC in everyone's life. No matter how much I try forming a connection with people around me, they just seem to not want to choose me. They'll always have other friends or partners to go to. I am so frustrated. Never has a man expressed interest in me, flirted with me, let alone pursuing me seriously. I am 25 and I am starting to fear that I will never get to experience that romance. Maybe I'll even end up alone in life. I don't want that. Why am I so unlovable? I thought it's because of how I look. I don't think I'm super ugly but I'm a little overweight like 175 lbs. But then I've seen all sorts of people find love, irregardless of shape, size, personality or any achievements. I just can't seem to identify what I'm doing wrong. I am not desperate for a relationship but how is it that I have never had a single man express the desire to pursue a relationship with me. Or even ask me out on a date. Sorry about the rant I'm defeated at this point.
Defeated
Hi Defeated,
It’s so painful to believe you’re unlovable. I get why you think that when relationships and friendships have been so difficult for you. It’s hard to imagine the reason could be anything else, right? Feeling defeated and convinced something must be wrong with you makes sense.
But here’s the thing: You don’t know what you don’t know. You assume you’re unlovable because you don’t know what else it could be. There are actually tons of other reasons you’ve struggled like this all your life, none of which have to do with how lovable you are.
It’s important to understand how much the fear that you’re unlovable affects you & your ability to form relationships. The fear is a lens through which you see yourself and the world. It drives your behavior, how you form (or don’t form) relationships, and your relational patterns.
When you fear you’re unlovable, you unknowingly keep yourself safe and protected from the risk of getting hurt, rejected, etc. You don't let people in. You take things the wrong way. You don't put yourself out there. You don't let people know you. In a sense, you over self-protect.
I struggled with dating and romantic relationships for a large part of my life, too. I was convinced something was wrong with me or I was simply not good enough. I only learned that there were other reasons that I struggled so much when I began to study Gestalt Therapy and other relational approaches to healing. I remember being shocked that you could be taught how to have healthy relationships, and no one had ever taught me!
Through my healing journey, I learned that I was unknowingly pushing men away. And that I was attracted to emotionally unavailable men because I didn’t know how to receive the love I wanted (also a skill you can be taught). I was also attracted to those men because I grew up with an unavailable dad (because he died when I was 5), and a family who was traumatized by it and emotionally unavailable as a result. Emotional unavailability was familiar.
In addition, I learned that I was not into any of the men who were emotionally available and wanted to be with me because I thought if they liked me something was wrong with them. That’s how badly I felt about myself, and these are the ways it manifested in how I engaged with people.
With lots of therapy and work, I learned how to be relational. I learned how to foster a connection with people. I learned how to stop keeping people out, and to let them in. I learned how to stop pushing away the love I wanted and I learned how to be cared for instead. I've since gone on to marry the best person I've ever known, and I can both give and receive his love with ease—for the most part.
I share this with you because I, too, didn’t know how much I didn’t know. I, too, assumed it had to be about my worth and lovability. It turned out I didn’t know A LOT, and the same is likely true for you. Had I not learned there were ways I was keeping myself stuck and alone, I would have continued doing the same things, getting the same results, and continuing to think I was unlovable.
Even if your wounds and beliefs are different from mine, they’re still fueling your behavior and your behavior is keeping you stuck. It’s your relational patterns that are the problem, not your worth. You can learn healthier relational patterns and start developing the relationships and friendships you want.
I know it’s hard to believe that your worth is not the problem, but I hope you can be curious enough to explore your relational patterns. I think you’ll quickly discover that you’ve been overly self-protective and then you can learn how to create the relationships you long for.
Xo,
Caitlin
*Comments are for paid subscribers only.
You can submit questions for Caitlin to answer in an upcoming Dear Caitlin post here!