A Fool Proof Guide for Avoiding Future Situationships
Follow these rules and you'll stop wasting your time in painful situationships. The sooner you move on from the wrong person the quicker you'll find the right one.
Hey!
In this post, you’ll learn how you end up in situationships, why your feelings are valid (and how to remember that when someone tells you they’re not), and how to avoid ever getting into one again. I hope you find this helpful!
Quick housekeeping:
You’ll get an invitation for the weekly Q & A this Thursday at 6 pm EST later this week. We’ll meet for a half hour to talk about situationships. Make sure you RSVP if you’re coming!
Enjoy your holiday weekend!
I just got back from celebrating my husband’s 40th birthday in South Dakota. Since it was a milestone birthday, we brought our babysitter with us. We went on big hikes that our daughter couldn’t do, and we had ample time to ourselves. Our babysitter, a 23-year-old girl, is single and looking for a new boyfriend. She’s smart, kind, funny, beautiful, and has her shit together. And, like most people who are single and looking for a partner, she’s having a rough time dating.
Our babysitter, who I’ll call Anna (not her real name), told me that she likes a guy I’ll call Jim (not his real name), who told her he wasn’t looking for a relationship. Anna told him that was fine. She wanted to be easygoing and go with the flow. Jim began taking her out on dates and texting her all the time. After a couple of weeks, they started having sex. He held her hand, held her close, and made her feel cared for. Anna felt happy and excited about him. Even though Jim told her he wasn’t looking for a relationship, Anna thought his actions meant there was hope that Jim would change his mind.
A few days into our vacation, seemingly out of nowhere, Anna told me that Jim stopped texting her. Anna was confused, angry, and hurt. After five days of not hearing from him, he texted her, “Hey, I’m home from work,” as though no time had passed. Anna was livid. She unleashed her anger in a three-paragraph text. In response, Jim explained he’d been busy and reminded her that he said he wasn’t looking for a relationship.
They fought for several hours. She told Jim she knew he wasn’t looking for a relationship but didn’t like being ignored. Jim said he was sorry and wouldn’t do it again. They decided to move forward and see each other when Anna returned from vacationing with us. Anna felt better. They went back to texting each other throughout the day and Anna felt happy again.
A few days of closeness later, he stopped texting her again. Anna was even more upset this time. But a few days later, Jim texted her again. This time, he said, “I’m at work.” Anna, once again, unleashed her hurt and anger in a lengthy text message, and once again, Jim apologized and reminded her that he wasn’t looking for a relationship.
This cycle of closeness, distance, anger, and apology repeated throughout our trip. Each time they returned to closeness, Anna felt hopeful, and each time they returned to distance, Anna was hurt and confused.
It’s understandable that Anna was confused. Jim said he wasn’t looking for a committed relationship but then did what people do when building one: go on dates, text, talk, have sex, etc. Anyone would be confused by that. It makes sense that Anna was hopeful that a commitment would come eventually. Unfortunately, in these dynamics, it rarely does; all that happens is hurt feelings and wasted time.
In an ideal world, a guy wouldn’t spend days talking and building closeness with a woman if he knows she wants a relationship and he doesn’t. But in our world, guys think they’ve done their part by being honest about not wanting a relationship. It’s as though if they say that, they have free reign to disregard someone’s feelings. Or, they think saying that will prevent the person from having feelings for them. And, of course, it’s absurd when the woman they’ve been texting day and night for weeks and sleeping with is surprised and upset when they suddenly drop off the face of the earth.
None of that is fair or realistic. Just because someone says they’re not looking for a relationship, it doesn’t mean they are free from any expectations. While you’re not his girlfriend, you can still expect to be treated with kindness and respect. You’re not wrong to be upset when someone plays these games with you, no matter how much they may tell you you are. The fact is, ignoring someone who is investing their time, emotions, and body into them is just plain mean; it’s selfish. And in Anna’s case, Jim apologized. That means he knew his actions were hurtful. Yet, he continued to do the same things. If you’ve gotten into this situation, know your feelings are valid, and you’re not crazy for having them.
Right or wrong, people do this in the dating world all the time. This is the stereotypical situationship. If guys who don’t want a committed relationship can have sex with you, be emotionally vulnerable with you, lean on you for support, be supportive to you, still see other people, and be free of expectations, they’re going to. You can’t rely on them to consider your feelings and not ask that of you. And like Anna, once you’re in a situationship, it’s hard to get out of it. Our attachments are strong. The best thing you can do to protect your heart and avoid wasting time on the wrong person is to avoid getting into this dynamic in the first place.
The following tips will keep you from getting stuck in a painful situationship and allow you to move on from the wrong people so you can find the right one sooner:
Believe people when they say they don’t want a relationship. Someone who wants one won’t tell you they don’t.
Don’t let hope fool you. Hope is a powerful tool that is useful in many scenarios. However, it’s not your friend when it comes to dating. Don’t let hope fool you into thinking something is possible when there’s no evidence for it.
When evaluating whether a person is emotionally available and on the same page as you, you can’t trust their words despite their actions, nor their actions despite their words. Words and actions should align. If they don’t, something isn’t right. Someone can say all the right things, but if their actions don’t align with what they’ve said, that’s a problem. If the person you’re seeing says they’re ready for a relationship but then doesn’t answer you for days, leaving you hurt and anxious, their actions don’t align with their words. If someone says they don’t want a relationship and then proceeds to text you daily and take you out, their words don’t align with their actions. Either scenario is a giant red flag.
Dating is supposed to feel good. If it doesn’t, you’re dating the wrong person. It’s not supposed to feel good sometimes or only when you’re with the person. If you’re anxious when you’re apart, the person is likely not doing what they should, or you wouldn’t be worried. Let your feelings guide you toward what feels good and away from what doesn’t.