9 Common Reasons You Don’t Desire Sex Like You Used To
It's normal for your libido to change over time.
There’s a lot about sexual desire we aren’t taught. As a result, we don’t have realistic expectations for our libido over time. We expect to desire sex the way we always have, regardless of what is happening in our lives. Society tells us we should always want to have sex with our partner, and if we don’t, something is wrong with us or the relationship. In reality, our libido is not that simple.
It’s unrealistic to expect yourself to desire sex all the time or just because your partner is in the mood. Your interest in sex is impacted by what’s happening in your life and in your body. There will be times in your life when you don’t think about sex at all (unless someone is initiating it). There will be times when sex is more important to you than other times. Sometimes, sex will be the last thing you want. Other times, you may want sex all the time. Just as your hunger for food fluctuates, so does your desire for sex.
There is more than one type of desire. Some people feel desire spontaneously. They think about sex randomly and desire it. Most people learn about spontaneous desire, which is the type portrayed in the media.
Some people feel desire responsively. They feel desire once they’re beginning to be intimate or in response to sexual stimuli. For example, they start kissing and feel desire for more. Or they read something spicy and get turned on. In long-term relationships, responsive desire is more common than spontaneous desire. Both kinds of desire are normal and good. Some people will always feel one type of desire, and others will fluctuate.
People often worry if their desire or their partner’s desire isn’t spontaneous or goes from spontaneous to responsive. But there’s nothing wrong with the way libido changes or the different types of desire. If you notice your interest in sex has changed, it’s always a good idea to get checked out by a doctor, but there’s a good chance your libido is responding to your life.
The following is a list of common reasons you don’t desire sex like you used to:
Negative body image. If you don’t feel good about your body, it’s normal for your interest in sex to lessen. You don’t feel sexy, you don’t want others to see you naked, and you may not feel deserving of pleasure.
Anxiety. Worrying keeps you in your head and out of the present moment. You’re not connecting to your body. When your mind moves quickly and you’re disconnected, there’s no room for desire to emerge. You have to learn to get out of your head and into your body so you can feel sensations and be present.
Depression. When we are depressed, our ability to enjoy things goes down, along with our interest in doing them. This applies to libido, too.
Having children. Before, all you had to think about was yourself and your partner. There is a lot more on your plate after having kids. There’s more stress, more to do, more to remember, and more to worry about. Sex often takes a back seat. Couples with children frequently have to prioritize intimacy intentionally.
Sexual pain. Sex shouldn’t hurt. If it does, it’s important to see your doctor. It’s normal not to desire sex if it’s painful.
Neglecting your own needs. If you’re having sex for your partner’s pleasure rather than your own, it will get old fast. It’s important to ask for what you need to enjoy sex. It’s hard to want something we don’t enjoy.
Pressure. If you feel pressure to have sex, it makes it less appealing, not more. Sometimes, the pressure comes from one’s partner, and sometimes, we put pressure on ourselves. Pressure is a libido killer because it makes us anxious and impacts our self-esteem.
Comfort. It’s common in a happy relationship to come home after work, get comfortable, and enjoy TV together before bed. Feeling safe and comfortable with your partner and best friend is fantastic. However, it’s easy for one night to turn into one month and then one year, and before you know it, you can’t remember the last time you had sex.
Unrealistic expectations. If you expect to desire sex spontaneously, but that’s not the kind of desire you have (currently or permanently), you’ll be waiting for a long time to start having it. In long-term relationships, people often have to prioritize sex, schedule it, and nurture desire.
Changes in libido aren’t a problem. It’s how you respond to the changes that matters. If sex is important to you, you can work to cultivate desire so that you can continue to nurture your sex life and keep it alive.