7 Subtle Green Flags that Showed Me My (Now) Husband was Emotionally Available When We Were Dating
If you only look for red flags, you won't know when it's safe to trust.
Red flags are signs of danger.
By the time I met Calvin, my husband of 7 years (in August), I was a red flag detector. I could see signs that someone wasn’t emotionally available from a mile away. I was on guard. I walked away from men at the first sign of a red flag and never looked back. Red flags are signs of danger. I was done ignoring those signs and walking into hurtful situations.
Green flags indicate safety.
At the time, however, I didn’t realize how important it was to recognize green flags, too. Green flags indicate safety. They are signs that someone is trustworthy, emotionally available, and capable of having a healthy relationship.
Green flags also show people’s character. They show when someone is thoughtful, caring, respectful, considerate, and so on. They shed light on people’s values. For example, how they view those of the opposite gender, how they respond when offended, and what they think is okay to do and not to do.
Green flags are just as important as red flags.
If you only know about red flags, you only know when to run. If you recognize green flags, you can slowly let your guard down a little at a time. As you let your guard down, you can build and deepen connection over time. Knowing about green flags allows you to build trust and determine if someone is right for you.
Just as red flags can be confusing, so can green flags.
Sometimes, green flags go unnoticed. Sometimes, green flags don’t seem green because you don’t know that what you’re seeing (or experiencing) is a good thing. And, often, green flags get dismissed because you don’t know what you’re looking for.
That’s why I’m sharing 7 green flags from when I first began dating Calvin. These were some of the signs that he was emotionally available and worth my time. I made these observations in the early stages of dating him, and they guided me forward into a healthy relationship. Hopefully, learning about these green flags will help you recognize them in people on your own dating journey:
Green flag #1: Action, accountability, and validating feelings: I met Calvin online. Before agreeing to meet him in person, I checked out his Facebook page. The first thing I saw was that his relationship status said MARRIED. I’d been in the dating world long enough to know that that was a big red flag. More like a red billboard saying, “Don’t date this guy!” So I told him I saw his Facebook relationship status and that he should have a nice life. I assumed I’d caught him cheating (which wouldn’t have been the first time that happened in my dating journey). He profusely apologized, which didn’t surprise me. And then he immediately changed his status to SINGLE. His immediate action was surprising. If he were still married, his wife would see that. So, maybe he wasn’t. He explained that he didn’t use Facebook very much and wasn’t very tech-savvy (which was true). He was clearly upset with himself for leaving that up and potentially ruining things with me before they began, which also surprised me. Most of the men I’d dated would have tried to make me feel like I was the problem for being upset and mistrustful about it. But he took accountability and validated my feelings after immediately fixing the issue. That was different. So, I agreed to go out with him...after I double-checked with Google that he was definitely divorced…thank you, public records.
Green flag #2: Loyal, nonjudgmental, and compassionate. When we were dating, I went through a period of depression. I didn’t want him to see me in that state, and I didn’t want to take anything out on him. I cared about him and didn’t want to hurt him. So, I’d ask him to leave. Sometimes I’d tell him to leave. But no matter what I said, he wouldn’t let me push him away. He assured me he’d never judge me and just wanted to be there for me. And even though I really wanted him to go, the fact that he wouldn’t felt surprisingly good.
Green flag #3: Respect & humility. The first time Calvin brought his dog (now our dog) to my apartment to meet me, she walked in, looked at me, and took a shit. Calvin was MOR—TIF—IED. I had three cats and two dogs at the time, so it was no big deal to me. But he cared about making a bad impression on me. That stood out. A lot of men I went out with back then acted like I was lucky to be out with them. They weren’t nervous or worried about impressing me. On the other hand, Calvin acted like he was lucky to be out with me. He was afraid of doing the wrong thing or turning me off. That was a sign that he respected me. It was also a sign that he wasn’t full of himself and cocky.
Green flag #4: Thoughtfulness and relational skills. Calvin always waited until we were together in person to bring things up to me. He was intentional about it. I wouldn’t have cared if he brought things up via text, but his consideration and intentionality stood out. It’s also more skillful to wait and discuss things in person. He was very respectful and had relational skills I didn’t yet have.
Green flag #5: A team player. He never made decisions without me. He would let me know what was happening and ask me what I thought and wanted to do. He always operated like we were a team. He never moved forward without his teammate, aka me. This showed relational skills, consideration, and his desire to be in a partnership.
Green flag #6: Generosity. I noticed that Calvin never ate the last piece of food when we shared meals. He always left it for me. It may seem small, but it showed his generosity and caring nature. The fact that he even thought about that stood out to me. To this day, he is always happy to share things with me, help me, and make sure I get what I need.
Green flag #7: Love & Loyalty. In the beginning of our relationship (during the first year), Calvin got up early and walked my dog Sylvia (a chihuahua). Sylvia wasn’t into mornings. When Calvin would go to pick her up, she’d bite him. No matter how many times that happened, he still loved her. I could see it being hard to love a dog that bites you. But Calvin is both loving and loyal. My dog was his dog, too, and he was going to love her even when she was a little jerk. Luckily, Sylvia came to love Calvin and stopped biting him. But seeing his love stay strong despite her biting him stood out to me as a very special quality.
Most of the above green flags are about how Calvin treated me, with the exception of the one green flag about how he treated my dog. How someone treats you is the most important thing in a partnership. Nothing else matters if the person you’re dating doesn’t make you feel good. As you go forward in your dating journey, pay close attention to how the person you date treats you. Notice all the green flags, big and small.
What are your thoughts on these green flags? Let’s talk about them in the comments!