5 Unexpected Experiences when Going from Toxic to Healthy Relationships
Dating healthier people is challenging in surprising ways. Know what to expect so you don't misunderstand the experiences.
Hey Everyone!
This week I’m sharing some of the surprising, common things people experience when they’re trying to date healthier people. Whenever we learn something new, it’s uncomfortable at first. Dating healthier people is no different. Hopefully knowing what to expect on your journey will help you understand what’s happening and make the right choices along the way.
I’d love to hear your thoughts below in the comments! See you there.
Xo,
Caitlin
If you’re tired of unhealthy relationships, you might think you’re ready for something better. I remember when I felt that way. I was done putting up with less than I deserved and wanted a healthy relationship. But, just because I was over emotionally unavailable men (and the misery that comes with dating them), didn’t mean I was ready for the healthy love I wanted.
I thought my biggest challenge in getting into a healthier relationship would be finding the right person. I imagined the rest would be easy. It turned out that the hardest thing about going from toxic relationships to healthier ones wasn’t finding better people to date. It was tolerating the discomfort that came with the newness of healthy love.
I thought healthy relationships would automatically feel good. I was surprised when they didn’t. Dating emotionally available men initially felt new and strange. I didn’t know how to take the consideration and respect I received. I questioned it, judged it, and pushed it away. When they didn’t make a move right away, I questioned if they were into me. When they didn’t make me anxious, I wondered if I was really into them. When I didn’t feel an initial spark, I worried there was no chemistry.
If toxic relationships are all you’ve known, healthy relationships are unfamiliar. Human beings naturally seek comfort, and what is familiar is comfortable, even when it’s bad for us. That means a healthy relationship may feel wrong initially, not because it is wrong, but because it’s unfamiliar.
Dating healthier people and changing my relational patterns was harder than I thought. It was challenging in ways I didn’t expect. Receiving care, kindness, and love from a romantic partner was a skill I didn’t know I needed and one that I didn’t have at first. It took time to build that skill before dating healthier people felt good. I had to trust the process because back then, I didn’t know if healthy love would ever feel right. All I knew was that I was no longer available for painful love. So I sat in the discomfort.
Eventually, I felt unattracted to the emotionally unavailable men I once wanted. Healthy love felt right. While the journey was hard in ways I didn’t imagine, it was worth the work to be ready when my (now) husband came along.
If you want a healthy, loving, lasting relationship, you’ll need to feel uncomfortable for a while. There’s no way around it. But, if you know what to expect when on the journey, you’ll be more equipped to sit in the newness and explore it rather than run from it.
The following is a list of common, surprising experiences people have when going from toxic to healthy relationships:
There’s no immediate spark or excitement. You don’t feel anything at first, which can make you question if the person is worth seeing again. The initial “chemistry,” as it’s often called, is lust, and it’s easy to mistake that feeling for something more meaningful. The initial spark you’ve felt before isn’t about who the person is or your compatibility; you can’t know those things right away. When dating emotionally available people, you don’t feel all those things until you know the person. At that point, when you know, like, and respect the person, your feelings will be real.
You’re not obsessed. You don’t obsess about someone when you’re not anxious. Emotionally available partners won’t make you anxious. You won’t be distracted with thoughts about the person, worried, or wondering when the next text will come. You may worry that means you’re not that into them, but it’s just that dating someone you can trust is new to you.
It’s easy. The ease of healthy relationships can feel boring or wrong because it’s so different from anything else you’ve known. If you’re used to an emotional roller coaster, dating an emotionally available person will feel strange. However, try to stay in it because ease is nice once you’re used to it. Plus, if a relationship is hard initially, it’s unlikely to last.
Receiving care is uncomfortable. Letting someone treat you like the goddess (or god) that you are sounds amazing. But if you’re not used to that, it’s hard. You may feel smothered. You may tell them not to do things for you. You may judge them as weak or wonder what’s wrong with them for being so kind or liking you so much. Try to remember how amazing you are, and that it’s ok for them to show you they like you. Try to let them.
Getting to know someone takes more time than you realize. You might worry that after a few dates, you’re still unsure about the person. Try to remember there is no rush to know. Unless you’re a clear no, try to be ok being a maybe until you see whether you’re a yes or a no. That will take time because when you’re dating in a healthy way, you develop feelings for the person rather than for the idea of the person. Developing that connection takes a while. Try not to be in a rush.